I couldn't really think of a snappy, memorable title for this post - and I don't really feel like I should. While I'm now settled and happy at university, my beginning experience was crippling self-doubt and while that's an experience that many people are still suffering from I don't want to turn it into a punny click-bait.
I always thought I was pretty good at making friends, but going to university is obviously full of changes to every routine you feel you might be already used to, moving there meant a change in the town I knew, the people I lived with and my experience of school altogether. So when you think about it, it really is okay to feel like it's too much to adjust to in the short period of freshers week. Taking a year out meant that I had seen a slightly idealistic view of fresher's week through facebook posts, I unconsciously concluded from these posts that in my first week of university I would;
- Be best friends with all of my flatmates.
- Go out to bars/clubs and enjoy the experience.
- Forget to miss home.
- Transform into a totally confident and independent young adult.
None of these things happened.
My experience wasn't necessarily bad however, my flatmates were (and still are) lovely people, we just don't have enough shared interests to become a secondary family. I tried clubbing - and found it boring, that was okay. I missed home a lot, but I talked to my boyfriend a lot over the first week and wrote letters home to my mum. I did become a reasonably confident and competent person, it just took me a little longer than I expected.
Truth be told, I spent a lot of my first year locked in my room wondering what went wrong to send me from a large group of friends back home to my current situation. The first time I convinced myself to go to an anime night, in the hopes of meeting people with similar interests and ending my paranoia, I nearly cried and felt too nervous to return again for a while.
It's hard to say what exactly changed my situation, but I do have a few tips of what really worked for me in changing my situation and leading me to a much happier one now.
1) Go to Societies.
I know, it's the first thing you're told in regards to making friends here and the last thing you want to hear. By the time I got to Christmas holidays I was sick of this advice, I was too scared of rejection to even attempt going to a room full of people who were already friends when I was alone. But by the time I returned for my second term I was so determined to change my situation that I booked myself out for the week and went to an event every evening. People are friendly and ultimately good, I was welcomed by every place I went to and soon found that I couldn't bear the idea of missing an evening in exchange for visiting home. When I look back at my year the one thing I really wish is to have started joining in with these societies earlier.
2) Don't be Ashamed.
I visited home a lot in my first term and whenever friends or family members asked how I was finding uni I was too ashamed to admit how crappy I felt. When I was in lessons I was fine, because I had people to chat with them, so I focussed on this and the fact that my grades were actually pretty good and left out how I felt the rest of the time. When I did confide this in my mum it took the pressure of making uni the 'perfect experience' off and enabled me to really evaluate where I was and what I felt was wrong with that.
3) Understand the Difference.
Sometimes I was in need of people to be with, but sometimes I was just punishing myself and over analysing the times that I wanted to be by myself. Now that I have more of a balance in my life I'm starting to recognise that there are times when I want to be alone and that's totally okay, I'm learning when to force myself into socialising and when to stay in with a good book instead. When I didn't spend any time with friends outside of lessons it was hard to recognise the difference between the horrible anxious feeling that took me over before I went to something I actually would enjoy, and the times when I'd just rather not go. It's okay to spend time by yourself as long as you don't feel trapped into doing so!
(The thing that really made me realise this was watching this wonderful 'Ted Talks' video in class recently, it's a really good source to challenge the idea that introverts are someone inferior!)
4) Don't Over-Think
And finally, the obvious - stop over thinking your actions. This was probably the most difficult change for me by far and I still experience many relapses in over-thinking my own actions, other peoples reactions and the impending doom these things hold over me. However, when I do get a hold over my brain and manage to shut it up the results are worth it - and it's reassuring to be able to tell myself that whatever I'm worried about is usually being over-exaggerated in my head, even if I can't always believe it.
Ultimately, I am now loving uni life the way I always expected I would. I'm glad I forced myself into the experience, even though it was terrifying. :)
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