Blogging Break?

Hopefully not forever.

While I have enjoyed the challenge of writing and posting something every week and found it helpful to my work, I feel like I may need to slow the posts down a bit. Currently I am working through my summer, about to move house for my second year of uni and trying to finish off work that can hopefully be published or entered into competitions. 

I really do love blogging, and I do intend to continue sharing craft posts and opinion blogs. However it turns out that to enter my short stories and poems into competitions they need to be unpublished and technically if I've posted them to my personal blog they count as published. 

Maybe if I find I have the time and the ideas and the drive to write multiple short pieces a week I will be able to continue posting them on here, but for now I can't promise weekly updates. Sorry to give up so soon on something I do really care about, but I will still be writing, and this is just a little hiccup I need to work around. 

Flat Hunting

I forgot to brush my teeth this morning.
And yesterday.
And probably the day before that but -
I forget what day that was?

Emails come before lunch,
today's house special is a tasty studio.
rich quality - meaning out of my price range.
Tasteful - meaning in the middle of nowhere.
But it has a private garden?

But happily enough I feel like an adult to have
no lunch break - only more work
no money though I spend all my time earning
and no sleep/rest/end in sight of this all consuming life that they told us we should dread.

*** An answer to why I haven't been posting regularly, apologies. But hopefully this stress may be over soon and I can return to writing once again!

Holding Words.

Even -
your temper.
Bite down on your chewed tongue.

It should be easy by now.
Silence is second nature.
Losing is routine.
I am passive to survive.

Whatever I carelessly throw out -
is returned and doubled.

A small grumble,
a snapped retort,
a thoughtless roar.

Soon stretches out into a day of
grey skies and thunder -
dodging the lightning and praying for brief sun.

I am good at holding words.
Rolling them around until they taste right.

I can close my palms around all the ones I want to say -
and squeeze them lightly,
until they are subdued.

I am good at holding words.

Focus.

It was all about perspective.

That was what she convinced herself at least. She wasn't sick if she didn't allow herself to be. Focus outwards, fix other people - and the good that came from that would flow back to her in a rush of self-medicating bliss.

But she slipped occasionally. Became mired down in how she felt, at first to try and fix herself. She would pick apart her brain until she had an answer to why she was that way, but she only became more tangled in the problems, until she resolved to give up on the task.

Focusing inward seemed selfish. A waste of time. Nothing was wrong if she didn't give in to it. Feelings were chemical and could easily be changed given enough determination. Actions were the things she needed to keep control over. So long as she maintained who she had painted herself up to be - she was fine.

Fine. She could be fine if she tried hard. And every so often she would bounce back up, have a really great day. Be happy over small things, be organised, go to sleep excited.

But perhaps she should have focused on herself...

Falling Apart (Part 2)

He works a needle through my skin -
and threads me back together.

Sand pours back into my bones,
grain by grain.
until I remember how to sew a smile.

But my material is stretched and cheap...
and i can't help falling apart around him.

Falling Apart (Part 1)

i am trapped in a bath that's gone cold.

Unwilling to get out,
knowing that i should.
Splashing in sadness i wallow like a creature
that must live here.

Water creeps into my ears until
my mind is treading memories.
It wants to unpick my soggy stitches,
until my material freys and tears apart
and sand leaks out of me until i fall flat.

i want to be alone and unloved and undone.

How Quiet The World Was - Pantoum

Before the dawn I stood,

tracing frost on a window pane.

Chill creeping in through coat sleeves,

how quiet the world was.

Tracing frost on a window pane,

silence unbroken by birds.

How quiet the world was,

when covered with blankets of cloud.

Silence unbroken by birds,

freezing in foreign headlights.

When covered with blankets of cloud,

I waited for life to start.

Freezing in foreign headlights,

surrounded by crisp silence.

I waited for life to start,

and I wondered if I was alone.

Surrounded by crisp silence,

chill creeping in through coat sleeves,

I wondered if I was alone,

when before the dawn I stood.

Green Light

The ring sat on the table between the two of them. Caught in a patch of sunlight that streamed through the café window, it cast tiny green patterns across the bleached wood.

The smell of strong coffee and old books, two scents that both of them had once agreed were the epitome of comfort, was now slightly spoiled by the tension that was brewing at their corner table, beside the window.

The passers-by couldn’t have known that when they curiously glanced in through the café’s street level windows, they were witnessing two lives caught in a crucial moment. They only saw a pretty girl with black locks masking her eyes and a clean shaven man staring nervously at the mug in his hands.

Hourglass - Sonnet

We are seduced by sand, promising time,

enthralled by each other, yet unsure of

how long we will have left together, I'm

uncertain. Time plays us for fools in love.

When seconds stretch too far for us, akin

to hours, gifting minutes, time to tell you

of the shatter glass that ruptures my skin,

when you pack yourself away, ready to

turn the glass back over. Start time again.

Count minutes on your journey back, for me.

Constraints broken, no obligation, when

you have been released from my cage, breathe free.

But say you’ll miss me even so, I will

return the thought, when I have time to kill.

Balloon Boy - Flash Fiction

Balloon Boy seemed to live his life on helium. His mind was light and soared to the vast expanse of a sky filled with impossibilities.

Balloon Boy was cheerful. Brightening any day that he seemed to float into, drifting across conversations until he found one that needed a little surprise happiness.

Balloon Boy was adventurous. Wandering to places he should not go, places his happy heart wasn't appreciated. Trying to illuminate the grimiest streets with his fluorescent joy.

Balloon Boy was wonderful.

Until someone burst him.

Anxiety and Starting Uni

I couldn't really think of a snappy, memorable title for this post - and I don't really feel like I should. While I'm now settled and happy at university, my beginning experience was crippling self-doubt and while that's an experience that many people are still suffering from I don't want to turn it into a punny click-bait.

I always thought I was pretty good at making friends, but going to university is obviously full of changes to every routine you feel you might be already used to, moving there meant a change in the town I knew, the people I lived with and my experience of school altogether. So when you think about it, it really is okay to feel like it's too much to adjust to in the short period of freshers week. Taking a year out meant that I had seen a slightly idealistic view of fresher's week through facebook posts, I unconsciously concluded from these posts that in my first week of university I would;

- Be best friends with all of my flatmates.
- Go out to bars/clubs and enjoy the experience.
- Forget to miss home.
- Transform into a totally confident and independent young adult.

None of these things happened.

New Cosplay - Rey!

So my next cosplay is probably a pretty predictable one... but when a badass character like Rey comes along sometimes a girl just can't say no!

What can I say? I was totally enthralled and impressed by seeing such a sassy and wonderful female at the centre of the newest addition to the Star Wars franchise. (And to the people who will be coughing the words 'Mary Sue' sarcastically please come and discuss this with me when my staff is complete! :))

So I will intend to finish this cosplay in time to wear for MCM May this year which shouldn't be too tricky once I start on the actual clothes... but for now here's a quick review of the parts I have so far started work on!

Quick, Cute and Easy Presents!

I realise now that this post is way too late to be relevant for Christmas anymore... But it's never too early to start stocking up ideas for next Christmas right?! (And let's not forget all the pesky birthdays in between!) 

This year I suddenly realised that I was a poor student who suddenly had twice as many people to find gifts for, so here's a quick list of some cheap but still super cute gifts I managed to rustle up! 

Cosplay Update - Capable, Mad Max.

Whoopsie October got away from me and I forgot to post the finished article, but I did manage to finish my Capable cosplay in time for the convention so here's a little round-up of what happened!

1) I made a set of goggles from a PVC kind of material, the frames of some old sunglasses and the lid of a takeaway tub. For what they were and for the sake of keeping my costs down, I was pretty pleased with them!

Writers Block

Sometimes writing is a natural power for me, it's a tool I have at my disposal to give myself superpowers, to fix a situation that I feel powerless in, or sometimes just to express my annoyance.

Sometimes it gets stuck and awkward, and I fear that I'll never be able to write again, that I've wasted my time (and now money) pursuing something I can't do.

I can write ten stories in a night to try and swing myself back into the mood but I won't like any of them, no matter how good they are, until my mood improves and my head isn't stuck in an 'I'm not good enough' rut.

Sometimes I just can't conjure the characters and it all feels too much to cope with until my head clears.

Kelvin Moon Loh - Thank You.

      Recently there has been a Facebook post written by an actor named Kelvin Moon Loh circulating through general media. To sum up for those who haven't heard he has defended the mother of an autistic boy who interrupted a Broadway show of 'The King and I' and his words are such a relief and blessing for myself and (I'm sure) many other families dealing with an autistic member.

      I do highly recommend reading his original post, so HERE is a link to an article that features it.

      Reading this article I just felt a desperate need to express how profoundly thankful I felt for such compassion in a form that was solid and permanent, there's just this feeling of gravity that follows putting your gratitude onto paper. (Well, virtual paper.) So here goes an open letter.

The Dead Hour

Nobody thought that an hour would make any difference. Nothing ever really happens between the hours of 7 and 8am, people wake up, have breakfast, get ready for the day and not much else.

It's a dead hour. One resigned specifically to work/school/appointment preparation, a grey slot of time where nothing significant ever really happens. And besides, these were students living in this hour, the only major event occurring in their lives between the hours of 7 and 8am were hangovers.

The night security team would leave at 6:50am, allowing enough time to lock up the office and do a final sweep of the outside facilities. The reception staff would once again bring life to the office at 8:02, allowing enough time to get their morning coffee exactly right.

Nobody could have anticipated the carnage that greeted them that morning, following the - rather aptly named - dead hour.

******

About Leaving...

So my official move in date for my uni halls block is the 19th of September which is scary and exciting and all of the other teen 'coming of age' movie clichés that you can think of!

I've (mostly) cleared my room, packed a lot of my stuff into various bags and boxes and prepared my nicest sets of notebooks for the start of this whole university experience. 

I left my job at the end of August so that I now have three glorious weeks to spend time with my friends and family before this new life takes over, and suddenly simple things like watching a show with my mum are becoming laced with this awful sense of finality. I'm terrified of what I'll do when I end up living in a new house without the family I've grown up with, and I'm devastated to be moving away from the boyfriend who recently moved 200 miles to be closer to me. 

Cosplay Capers - Mad Max

As I have mentioned before in a previous post; budget cosplay is something I love to do!

My most recent cosplay plan (intended to make an appearance of this October's MCM) is Capable from the new Mad Max, (the ginger wife ;))

Now if you're a little skint but still want to work on a costume, I would totally recommend one of the five wives from Fury Road, because for me this is possibly the cheapest cosplay I've done to date! Here's a basic breakdown of what I needed to create it; (*note* some of these items shift price regularly, so I've just entered the prices that I paid at the time, do shop around for the best price for you!)

Pride.

I remember a time in college when a close friend of mine had looked at me with an expression of worry and said;

'So I suppose you don't support same-sex relationships, since you're a Christian?' 

And all I could do was stare at them in complete shock. 

I eventually managed to fumble together an answer that wasn't as put together as I would have hoped, explaining how I felt my religion was one of love and that, while I didn't personally swing that way, I fully supported the 'crazy' concept of someone being able to love a person of the same gender without discrimination. 

With all the excitement going on recently to do with the legalization of same sex marriage in the US (woo America you made an awesome choice!!), there's been a few negative comments that were always bound to follow.